stancing Oneself to Find Peace :
PEACE
Sometimes we feel we want nothing to do with a family member or friend when we start recovery. We begin recalling so many negative events from the past that we can’t deal with them any longer. We need to make peace with that person.
Yes, peace. Peace can mean having a relationship or making your own personal peace with the person. We need to make peace, but we also need distance until we are ready.
Distance becomes needed because while we may think we had a good relationship with the person, wrongs from the past suddenly come surging into our thoughts as we try to understand ourselves, or it may be the person’s current behavior is driving us crazy. And while it is never easy to let people go from our lives, family members are especially difficult, and if the relationship can be salvaged, it is better than having silent resentment and distance for years. But a short period of distance so we can get our thoughts in order is a way to heal and perhaps also a way for the other person to learn boundaries.
Parents are especially difficult, yet important to create distance with. For example, Mom may be used to doing everything for us while we are children, but then when we move out, she has empty nest syndrome. Perhaps she calls us multiple times a day until we don’t want to answer the phone anymore. We can tell her we are busy. We can decide not to answer the phone. We can nicely ask her to give us our space while we are trying to adjust to living on our own. We can also be understanding that she is having her own difficulty adjusting to the change. Remember it’s a transition period for both of you. The relationship can still exist; it will just be slightly different, and hopefully better.
Other times, we need distance because the past recurs in our thoughts. We look back and see a pattern of dysfunctional behavior that our parents inflicted on us. We have anger over the past. We may want distance from our parents while we make peace with that past.
We also need to determine whether the past is really in the past or whether the behavior is continuing into the present. If the behavior is current, we set boundaries, we learn new coping skills, and we try to change how we react to our parents while remembering we cannot change them. If the events are in the past, we let them stay there. We make our peace with them. We don’t use them as resentment toward our parents in the present. Mom and Dad may have just given us the advance for the rent or helped us move; they’re being good to us now, so let the failed eighth birthday party go. It’s in the past. Be in the here and now.
We can keep distance from the past, but not from the present. Today is the start of the rest of our lives. It’s a new beginning. We can begin as if the past did not exist and treat people as if we are meeting them for the first time, curious about where the new relationship will take us.
